I Didn’t Major In Biology Or Science

  When my bags were packed, I headed for Florida Christian College (Now called Florida College) just north of Tampa. Basic Biology was a required course for graduation but I never did enjoy cutting open earth worms or dead frogs. I didn’t understand how that information would help me when I was majoring in Bible and headed for the ministry.
    We had some ‘kooks’ in class that lacked a general knowledge of science. A longtime friend of mine sent me some notes that may well have come from some of the students in my class. Read them carefully or you may confess that science or biology wasn’t one of your favorites either.

    Interpretations of nature from junior high, high school, and college test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers (spelling errors preserved).

  • “When you breathe you inspire. When you do not breathe you expire.”
  • “H20 is hot water and CO2 is cold water.”
  • “To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.”
  • “When you smell an odorless gas it is probably carbon nonoxide.”
  • “Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.”
  • “Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.”
  • “Blood flows down one leg and up the other.”
  • “Respiration is composed of two acts; first inspiration and then expectoration.”
  • “The moon is a planet just like the earth, even deader.”
  • “Artifical insemination is what a farmer does to a cow instead of the bull.”
  • “Leaves are formed when the sun shines down upon them and they perspire.”
  • “A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.”
  • “Mushrooms always grow in damp places where it rains a lot and that is why they look like umbrellas.”
  • “The body consists of three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity which contains the bowls of which there are five, A-E-I-O-U.”
  • “The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.”
  • “The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.”
  • “A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars and eight cuspidors.”
  • “A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is the more extinct it is.”
  • “Germinate: To become a naturalized German.”
  • “Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.”
  • “Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.”
  • “Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky.”
  • “Rhubarb: A kind of celery that has gone bloodshot.”
  • “Vacumm: A large empty space where the pope lives.”
  • “Before getting a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is animal.”
  • “The purpose of a skeleton is something to hitch meat to.”
  • “The tide is a fight between earth and moon. All water tends toward the moon because there is no water on the moon. Nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.”
  • “The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off.”

    Page the book of Ecclesiastes and begin reading. I wonder what college the writer attended?
    “When Solomon, the son of David was King in Jerusalem, he was known to be very wise, and he said: Nothing makes sense! Everything is nonsense-I have seen it all . . . What is there to show for all of our hard work here on this earth? People come and people go, but still the world never changes. The sun comes up and the sun goes down. It hurries right back to where it started from. The wind blows south and the wind blows north; round and round it blows over and over again.
    All rivers empty into the sea, but it never spills over; one by one the rivers return to their source. . . Our eyes and our ears are never satisfied with what we see and hear. Everything that happens has happened before. There is nothing new under the sun” (Ecclesiastes 1:1-9). (Contemporary English Version)

    One father visited the principal of the high school. He had gone to complain about his son’s low grades. The principal asked him to explain and he said, “I can’t understand it, I taught that boy all I know and he’s still a dumb ignoramus.”

    “O give me a home where the buffalo roam, and I’ll show you a house full of dirt.”

“I pressed a kiss unto her lips,
What could I do but linger.
I ran my hand through her hair,
A cootie bit my finger.”

    Teacher: “Johnny, what is 5 and 3?”
    Johnny: “I don’t know!”
    Teacher: “Well, if I laid 5 eggs on this table and three on that one, how many would I have?”
    Johnny: “I don’t believe you can do it”.

    Sorry, I just didn’t know how to finish this column.


“Here lies the body of Frank J. Peas,
Frank’s not here ’tis only the pod.
Frank shelled out and went to God”

“Here lies the body of John C. Jay,
He died defending the right-of-way,
He was right, dead right as he sped along,
But just as dead as if he had been dead wrong.”


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