An unusual birth occurred just recently. The baby was born with one clenched fist. A great smile was a constant on the baby’s face and an audible giggle was almost continuous.
They just couldn’t get the fist open and the more they tried the more the baby giggled. Finally, one of the attending doctors used a smooth instrument and one finger at a time was released. When the last finger was loosened and the tiny fist opened – there it was, THE PILL.
The ancient teacher of correct speech was interviewing a prospective student. At the early age of six, the boy continued with constant talk, telling the Master all about his life. The tutor turned to the mother and said,”Madam, I will have to charge you twice the normal tuition!” She exclaimed, “Why is that true?” To which he replied, “Not only must I teach your boy how to speak, I must first teach him how to shut up!!”
Times were hard and in an effort to save on the electric bill, the aged couple turned the electric clock off before retiring. “Abe, you forgot to turn the clock off tonight. Get up and do it.” When no response was offered, she jammed him in the ribs and repeated the demand. He finally answered, “Libby, I’ve been thinking. I believe there would be more wear and tare on the mattress getting in and out of bed, than we could save on the electric bill.
Two caterpillars rumbled along, with the front legs stretching and the read legs humping. The going was slow but sure. Suddenly they caught sight of a beautiful butterfly that came dancing by. Zipping from one flower to another and all at once zoomed up into the blue. They looked at each other and declared, “I’d never get on one of those things for nothing!”
The woman was complaining before the circuit judge about her husband. “Judge, he is the laziest creature that ever walked. He don’t buy me nuthin’, or take me no where, and just lays about the house leaving all the work to me.” The Judge, being a man of the scriptures thought about the statement that the apostle Paul gave when he talked about doing “good for evil”(Romans 12:20). “Have you ever tried heaping coals of fire upon his head?” She said, “Naw sir, but I’s tried scalding water, and that didn’t move him much at all!”
The first grader said, “Teacher, I ain’t got no pencil”. The teacher replied in a corrective way. “Johnny, I have no pencil, Susie has no pencil, Sammy has no pencil” and waited on the reply, “Teacher, ain’t none of us got no pencils”.
A young boy kicking at a tin can on the dirt road was cursing out loud. The preacher standing by heard it and said, “Sammy, aren’t you shamed cursing like that? Don’t you know God hears it?” Sammy sent an accusing look at the preacher and replied, “I’ve heard you cuss in your sermons?” The Pastor replied, “You have never heard me curse in one of my sermons!” Sammy said “I’ll bet you an apple pie that you do.” The preacher agreed to the wager with a smile, and next Sunday was glad to see the boy in church. In the midst of his sermon, he bellowed, “We live by God and by God we die”, and the boy jumped to his feet and said, “And by God you owe me an apple pie!”
Two young kids were talking. “Why don’t you go to church with me Sunday?” The other replied, “I can’t, I’m a member of a different abomination!”
The family was passing through the wheat fields in the Midwest. The little girl in the back seat yelled, “Look mama, at all those men jumping on their concubines!” The mother smiled and said, “Darling, those are combines.”
The prospective juror went to the judge and said, “Judge, I can’t serve on this jury, why one look at that man and anyone would know he’s as guilty as sin”. The Judge put his fore finger to his lips and whispered, “Shhhh, that’s the District Attorney.”
The old speaker had lost most of his memory. Consequently, he fell into the habit of writing everything down. After one of his lectures, a man approached him with a serious look. Did you ever live in Sequash, Iowa?” Taking out his little black book looked under the letter “S”, and said, “yes, years ago.” Did you ever date a woman there by the name of Tillie Bloomers”? Finding the letter “D” in his private reference book he said, “Yes, I did”. “Did you ever kiss Tillie?” He soon paged the “D” and said, “Yes, I did”. The man said in an accusing way, “Well, I married her and I don’t like it.” The black book was opened again and under “K”, he replied, “Yea, I know, I didn’t like it either.”
I always enjoyed the poem that spoke of love. “They walked together down the lane, ‘neath the shining stars. He lifted for her the Iron Gate; he lifted for her the bar. She looked up at him with her big brown eyes, there was love upon her brow; but he was only the hired man and she was a Jersey cow.”
I wonder whatever happened to the good old fashioned “belly laugh”. Just wondering!